McCain Campaign Metaphor

During a rally yesterday in Defiance, Ohio, John McCain again invoked the story of Joe Handyman (Plumber). As an added bonus, McCain enthusiastically punctuated his remarks with a dramatic introduction of Joe to acknowledge his attendance at the rally.

“Joe’s with us today," McCain told an audience of about 6,000 people. "Joe where are you?

Insert crickets chirping here.

Where is Joe? Is Joe with us today?”

Insert awkward crowd chirping here.

"All right," he told the crowd. "Well, you’re all Joe the Plumbers, so all of you stand up!"

Insert oblivious McCain minions clapping for themselves for no apparent reason here.

Maybe McCain was getting Punk'd by his campaign staff. There is no other logical explanation for somebody - anybody - on his staff failing to confirm that Joe was in the audience.

As if this entire episode couldn't get any more absurd, we now know that the crowd was expected to be embarrassingly small. To fill the seats, all of the school children from the town of Defiance were excused from school and sent on a field trip to witness what amounted to improv day at the Senior Center.

I hope those kids got extra credit for their sacrifice.

What A Long Strange Trip It's Been

Daily Irony; Sarah Fargo The Socialist

"And Alaska we're set up, unlike other states in the union, where it's collectively Alaskans own the resources. So we share in the wealth when the development of these resources occurs. It's to maximize benefits for Alaskans, not an individual company, not some multinational somewhere, but for Alaskans". - Alaska Governor Sarah Fargo

McCain Replaced By McCain Talking Bobblehead

My friends, I have reason to believe that John McCain has been replaced on the campaign trail by a John McCain talking bobblehead doll.

There is a button at the base of the doll that is conspicuously hidden behind the podium. There, a McCain campaign volunteer diligently presses a button in repetitive sequence to play pre-recorded stump spin from Senator McCain.

1st press: My friends, I'm a maverick.

2nd press: My friends, we don't need a redistributor of your money.

3rd press: My friends, I will change Warshington.

4th press: My friends, I'm a maverick.

I miss John McCain.

I miss the McCain that was an honest maverick before he felt compelled to keep telling us all over and over (and over) that he is a maverick.

That's the John McCain that I voted for as my Senator in 2004.

Oh Brother; An Indicator Of A McCain Victory

If you're looking for a sign that John McCain will win next Tuesday, we may have found one in the historically tested Presidential crazy brother barometer.

McCain's little brother Joe had an emergency on a Virginia freeway last week and dialed 911 in a desperate call for help.

Operator: 911, state your emergency.

Joe McCain: Well, it's not an emergency, but do you know why on one side at the damn drawbridge of 95 traffic is stopped for 15 minutes and yet traffic's coming the other way?

Operator: Sir, are you calling 911 to complain about traffic?

Joe McCain: Ahhh, fuck you!

This is a troubling sign for the Obama campaign. Recent history shows that the electorate votes favorably for the candidate that carries the baggage of an obnoxious brother.

Billy Carter, the man that put the goob in goober, contributed watered down beer and the potential of daily embarrassment to his brother, President Jimmy Carter.

Then there is Roger Clinton, a man that still holds the honor of best political family mullet. Roger reminded us that you can take the boy out of Arkansas, but you can't take the Arkansas out of the boy.

Watch those polls this week. We may just see a Joe McCain bump.

John McCain On Meet The Press

John McCain visited Tom Brokaw on Meet The Press this morning, a usually comfortable venue for the Arizona Senator.

Today, however, McCain looked tired and scatter-brained. He continually grasped for vernacular that should be well honed stump rhetoric at this point in the campaign. 

When the subject of Sarah Fargo came up, McCain repeated his drone about how "proud" he is of her. When McCain talks about Fargo it sounds as though he's referring to his daughter and not a potential Vice President. All he can say is that he's so damn proud.

McCain also reminded us he's a maverick. For a guy that is such a maverick though, he sure spends a heckuva lot of time telling he is one. 

The great irony of John McCain is that he now blames his campaign failures on the same media that adored him to such nauseatingly elite levels in the past, which garnered sheer disdain from fellow Republicans.

I understand though.

He's a maverick.

Rainy Day In Waikiki

Mrs. Fischer is laid up with a gnarly fit of food poisoning today, so the trade winds gift of a steady rain is a welcome companion to our day filled with napping and ginger ale runs.

Wikki-Wikki - look out you might step in something sticky - is more commercialized than ever, however every so often I can still catch a glimpse of the Blue Hawaii that Elvis pined for.

Waikiki is a bit like the Las Vegas strip, Tokyo and Fast Times at Ridgemont High all rolled in to one fat smokin' bit of paradise. I'm loathe to the entire scene, actually, and prefer the more tranquil and staid island living in Maui.

Oh well, another trip at another time.

Aloha.

Still Waiting For Conservatives To Conserve

Looking back it's clear that the conservative movement crusaded by Barry Goldwater - and bequeathed to Ronald Reagan - was flushed in 1994, when Newt Gingrich and a new wave of evangelical Republicans began prioritizing legislation of morality over all else.

Along the way the Republican brand has been mired in dichotomy and overt disarray. The preservation of individual liberty and less government now exist only as vacant rhetoric, hidden deep in the pages of the party platform.

Deficit spending and foreign currency borrowing have never been higher. Climate change continues to be ignored and freedom just isn't free, unless an individuals moral compass is directed towards James Dobson.

At the crossroad of irony and oxymoron, there is ample reality that shows conservatives simply aren't conservatives, since they have failed to conserve in every promised measure.

Aloha

Morning came early today, as I'm gettin' set to jet with Mrs. Fischer to Hawai'i to visit Barack Obama's grandmother.

Actually, our much anticipated and long awaited vacation has finally arrived. Grandma J has commandeered Casa la Fischer and she'll be minding baby Fischer for the next five days.

I'll do my best to scoop an interview with Obama while we're there. Maybe we can discuss which A.D.D. medication is best to prescribe for Joe Biden.

Time permitting, we'll even hit the beach in front of the Royal Hawaiian hotel where John McCain fell smitten to young Cindy Lou Hensley, while McCain's wife Carol was tending to the family on the mainland.

Aloha.

God Endorses McCain

GOP Vice Presidential heart-throb Sarah Fargo met with Focus On The Family founder James Dobson (known to Dobson, himself, as Dr. James Dobson) and they both agree that God will make it all good for our country on November 4th when John McCain is elected.

For the unfamiliar, Focus On The Family is an organization where hypocrites go to judge others in one big, group hug.

Dobson asked Fargo if she was worried about the sagging poll numbers that show McCain losing the election in nearly every possible electorate scenario.

"Not discouraged at all", Fargo said.

“To me, it motivates us, makes us work that much harder,” she told Dobson. “And it also strengthens my faith because I know at the end of the day putting this in God’s hands, the right thing for America will be done, at the end of the day on Nov. 4.”

Now that's a half full, tall glass of divine optimism.

Or self-righteousness?

God help us all.

Campaign Finance And Obama Shame

I feel sorry for John McCain.

Not for his dismal and his ever schizophrenic campaign strategy though. My pity for McCain is due to the fact that he simply can't compete with Barack Obama for simple financial reasons.

Early in the campaign process, both candidates agreed to participate in public campaign financing, which would create a level spending playing field through limits on private fundraising that would then be rewarded with a portion of matching funds contributed through public financing.

John McCain maintained this commitment and pressed onward through public finance and the restrictions that come with it.

Barack Obama changed his mind and reversed his pledge. The outcome was a brilliant strategic move by the Obama camp, skilled in viral marketing and fundraising via the internet. Millions of people that have made .99-cent contributions have added, well, millions of dollars to Obama's fat campaign wallet. The result is Obama maintaining a four to one spending advantage during the final two weeks of the campaign.

It must be an uncomfortable reality for Obama. The fact is he offered a pledge that he should not have made and then danced a 180 reversal. This is shameful, at least in my book.

By the way, the book I refer to was written by my father.

In order to level the playing field, we need to have clean campaigns that require caps on financial contributions from the private sector that come with public matching funds.

In addition, PAC's and 527's need to be eliminated entirely from our political process. They do nothing to advance the cause of democracy and focus entirely on lies and distortions of truths to meet a very narrow agenda.

Politics is ugly. You can put lipstick on a pig but - uh, never mind.

Same Attack Message, Different Week

Pardon me while I yawn.

I'm having a really hard time keeping up with the McCain campaign message, which is long on Obama attacks and fleeting on solutions that McCain offers if elected.

First Obama was a celebrity. Polls held steady in favor of Obama.

Then it was that whole lipstick on a pig comment and the trumped up charge of sexism from the conservative media. Again, the polls were locked tight.

Next, Obama was a terrorist. A barrage of automated phone calls were dialed by the McCain camp to swing state voters that warned of the impending doom our country will face if Obama was elected. Polls then showed movement. In favor of Obama.

This week Obama is a Socialist, at least according to Joe Handyman (formerly known as Joe Plumber). I've seen Handyman's stump speech and it's clearly evident that his spin is hijacked from talk hate-ee-oh and Sean Hanninsanity. The polls aren't budging.

Things are looking so grim for McCain that, with two weeks to go until the election, one electoral map now has the state of Arizona moved from safe McCain to leaning McCain.

Meanwhile, McCain and Sarah Fargo are busy spinning their wheels in states that they should have locked down months ago. Colorado, Missouri and North Carolina are red state bellwethers that are now rendered tossups.

Next to John Kerry in 2004, McCain has run the most idiotic, scatter-brained, fragmented, erratic and all together hyper-kinetic Presidential campaign I've seen in my lifetime.

Train wrecks are hard to watch. No matter how hard you try, you just can't look away.

Colin Powell Joins The Republicobamacan Ranks

Prominent Republicans are coming out in droves to publicly endorse Barack Obama for President.

Last week conservative commentators David Brooks, George Will and Christopher Buckley all went public with their support of Obama.

For Buckley, son of the late conservative icon William Buckley, his bittersweet nod to Obama came with an asterisk of apology to his deceased father.

Earlier today Colin Powell announced his endorsement of Obama.

This conservative bandwagon with the Obama sign painted on the side is getting pretty crowded.

It appears that the Obama Republicans will be a factor in this election, as the Reagan Democrats were in 1980.

Think Of Palin And Pelosi In The White House

So I've been thinking. If John McCain is elected President there is a 23 percent chance that Sarah Palin will become President.

My source for this report is named mortality.

If this were to occur, our Constitution dictates that the Presidential order of succession elevate the Speaker of the House to the office of Vice President.

The current Speaker of the House is California Democrat Nancy Pelosi. However, under this scenario Pelosi could choose to step aside and decline the promotion, based on the electorate mandate of having elected a Republican ticket.

Just the thought of Sarah Palin and Nancy Pelosi in the same White House has all the trappings of a sitcom pilot. Hilarious hijinx, shenanigans and tomfoolery would ensue daily.

Now that's must see TV.

Third Verse, Same As The First

"I voted with the President over 90 percent of the time, higher than, uh, even a lot of my Republican colleagues."

- Senator John McCain

Joe The Not Actually A Plumber

There is breaking news out of Ohio this morning concerning the upcoming Presidential election.

Joe the Plumber remains an undecided voter. Heck, he's too busy trying to find the time to obtain an Ohio plumbing license to even think about the election. That's right, Joe the Plumber isn't even a plumber.

On a related note, Joe the Plumber has hired an agent to negotiate a book deal, sitcom pilot and guest spots on The View and Oprah.

It could happen.

I Smell A Rove; Must Be Time For Push Polling

Hello?

caller: Hello, I'm calling from the Mothers Independent League of Freedom and we're conducting a brief survey about the upcoming Presidential election. May I ask you a question?

Who are you with?

caller: Mothers Independent League of Freedom.

You mean MILF? That's awesome!

caller: I know, we hear that all the time. When we started we thought we had a clever acronym to use, however we had no idea it already been taken. At any rate, may I ask you just one question about the upcoming Presidential election.

Sure.

caller: If you learned that Barack Obama was the illegitimate black child of John McCain, would you be more of less likely to vote for John McCain?

Really? Well, I'd be more likely to vote for John McCain.

caller: Thank you. Have a nice day.

-----------------------------

Push polling does work. Good thing for McCain that he brought Karl Rove and his band of rogues on board to rally the McCain campaign. Buckle up for an ugly sprint towards a battered and bruised finish.

Electoral College Looking Good For Obama

With three weeks left until election day, here's a small glimpse of how desperate matters are looking for John McCain.

Todd Palin spent part of his weekend campaigning for McCain in Maine.

Maine!

By state electorate law, Maine has the option of splitting the electoral vote based on percentage of votes cast for candidates in individual counties. Rare occurrence, yes, however worth a shot for McCain to fire up the base by bringing in the First Dude of Alaska to speak to about seventy-five Maine voters.

The rally had the look of Todd Palin warming up for Senior Bingo Night, followed by a few songs from Spinal Tap and the leading act, Puppet Show.

Then there's North Carolina. The mere fact that political soothsayers are still calling North Carolina up for grabs is astounding. Not since Jimmy Carter in 1976 have the Democrats been able to even sniff victory in this state.

McCain will rally, as he always does. Carter was leading in a few polls by nearly 30-points a month before his election in '76, and he ended up winning by the smallest of peanuts.

Let's Make Voting Mandatory By Law

As the cliche goes, even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in awhile.

Sean Hanninsanity can't stop talking about one ACORN in particular.

Cutting through the hyperbole, let's consider the facts. Despite how this ACORN alleged corruption looks, the practical execution of these conspirator accusations are nearly impossible.

ACORN is accused of registering voters in in multiplicity, using different names and polling districts. On election day, however, these registered voters will need to appear at a polling precinct to cast a vote by showing identification. I find it hard to believe that massive ID fraud is at the root of ACORN.

So let's just cut through all this muck and implement a law that requires us all to vote. Australia has one and their voter turnout is better than 95%.

A mandatory voter law would prevent the perceived need for groups like ACORN.

Then we can focus on eliminating PAC's and 527's.

Wishful thinking.

McCain's Vote To Support Terrorism

The word terrorist has been screamed in a near Tourette like frenzy at recent John McCain rallies, usually following the candidates mentioning of Barack Obama.

Ironically though, John McCain has a voting record that equates to being a terrorist sympathizer.

I'll explain in a moment, however let's first look at the literal definition of the word terrorist, courtesy of dictionary.com.

terrorist: noun - a radical who employs terror as a political weapon; usually organizes with other terrorists in small cells; often uses religion as a cover for terrorist activities

Agreed?

In 1994 the Senate introduced a bill called the Freedom Of Access To Clinic Entrances Act. Put simply, the bill would make it a Federal crime to commit the terrorist act of murder at a medical clinic that performs legal abortions.

The Senate passed the measure 69-30 (Alabama Senator Richard Shelby did not cast a vote) in a unanimous roll call vote and was eventually signed into law by President Clinton.

Arizona Senator John McCain voted nay.

McCain Endorses Obama For President

In a stunning reversal of his prior cantankerous rhetoric, Senator John McCain acknowledged his affinity for Barack Obama during a McCain rally in Minnesota yesterday, and offered what appears to be an endorsement Obama's bid to be elected President.

Calling Obama a "decent, family man", McCain declared that Obama is a "person that you do not have to be scared of as President of the United States".

We'll see how long this civility lasts. My guess is that McCain will succumb to an imminent fall in to an Ohio or Pennsylvania gutter today.

My Friends, Who Is Sarah Palin?

Sarah (Palin) Fargo says she wants to go to Washington to lay her stamp of folksy integrity on corrupt politicians.

Takes one to know one, I guess.

A bi-partisan state panel in Alaska found that Fargo committed no crimes in Troopergate, however abused her power in an egregious violation of the Alaska Executive Branch Ethics Act.

Fargo is toast. I can't recall ever seeing a more fleeting falling star in a political arena filled with bruised stars. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if she was off the ticket by the end of the weekend and replaced by Mitt Romney.

Then maybe McCain will start talking about the economy.

A Debate And The Reality Of Perception

I watched the second Presidential debate twice late Tuesday night. My assessment after the first viewing was that both candidates were effective in their messages and that this debate wouldn't alter the final months campaign canvas a bit.

However, it was during my repeat viewing when I recognized just how bad Obama crushed McCain.

The reason? I muted the television during the second go round.

Without sound, Obama gracefully glided through the audience and looked ever the calm and, dare I say, Presidential. McCain, however, appeared nervous and even lost at times, like a crazy old guy that mutters at the breeze.

In an era where Presidential politics have been reduced to an American Idol like contest (hurry, text your debate winner now!), the silence may actually speak ultimate doom for Senator McCain.

One more debate to go.

Maybe Ryan Seacrest can be the moderator.

Sean Hanninsanity Is Schooled On His Own Show

I'm so happy that I watch Fox News from time to time. To think what I would have missed.

Hannity(!) and Hannity(!) host, Sean Hannity, was on the receiving end of a healthy dose of irony from Obama campaign spokesman Robert Gibbs.

No blog post can give this episode its proper due, so you'll have to labor your fingers to YouTube and find it yourself. Or, just click the headline to this post and you'll get there with my help. Hilarious.

Sean Hannity gives journalism a very bad name.

And these days, that's actually an insult.

It's The Economy, McStupid

Less than a year ago, Senator John McCain was candid in his assessment about the United States economy.

"I'm gonna be honest. I know a lot less about economics than I do about military and foreign policy issues. I still need to be educated".

About a month later, McCain was still looking for help.

"The issue of economics is not something I've understood as well as I should".

Looking back, it now appears that McCain was issuing a desperate cry for help.

There is good news though, as McCain is now stumping that he is best poised to steer our stagnant economy back towards prosperity. Maybe he's been burying his head in some business learnin' books.

"I know how to fix this current economic crisis, and I will do it my friends".

I wonder if McCain felt as awkward saying that as I did typing it. Or you did reading it, for that matter.

Ben Folds Is Back To Cynical On Way To Normal

It's been nearly a decade since Ben Folds bolted solo from his band Ben Folds Five, a group that harbored an original indie rock sound that Folds once described as "punk rock for pussies".

Folds' new release, Way to Normal, is on the shelves and worthy of a complete download for fans. Full of his trademark sarcastic and whimsical lyrical prose, Folds hammers the piano keys with an expected dose of attention deficient abandon that punctuates his mid-life cynicism.

Download Free Coffee and Bitch Went Nuts, and listen to them in that order. The final 59 seconds of Free Coffee presents a hilarious introduction to Bitch Went Nuts.

Good stuff.

Read Her Lipstick; Gloves Off & Heels On Tight

Governor Fargo has set the tone for an even nastier turn in the Presidential campaign, accusing Senator Obama of "palling around with terrorists".

Fargo is referring to loose, coincidental ties that Obama has with 60's radical William Ayers, something that Obama put to bed months ago on the primary campaign train.

"This is a guy who lives in my neighborhood … the notion that somehow as a consequence of me knowing somebody who engaged in detestable acts 40 years ago — when I was 8 years old — somehow reflects on me and my values doesn't make much sense."

Ayers and Obama worked with the non-profit Chicago Annenberg Challenge on a huge school improvement project that helped a myriad of Chicago children. They were both members of the groups board.

Hardly palling around.

Watching Fargo whore her hateful rhetoric is predictable, albeit surreal. Insinuating that Barack Obama harbors domestic terrorists is an absolute ridiculous assertion.

Ultimate condescension, however, is reserved for us voters though, as McCain waited until a month before the election to unleash Fargo with the news that our next President may be a terrorist.

Old news rehashed, re-spun, regurgitated and barfed at us in Hi-Definition.

The smell is awful.

O.J. Simpson; Guilty Of Murder At Last

Thirteen years ago to the day.

Then, O.J. Simpson was found not guilty of murdering Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman. A star-struck jury determined that the one in one hundred billion chance of a positive Simpson DNA match at the crime scene being incorrect was more than enough "reefanable douft" (quotations directly from an O.J. trial juror, I can assure you) to acquit Simpson.

Since then, while Simpson scoured the worlds golf courses in desperate vain to find the real killers, he managed to take some time to lead some rather unsavory criminal shenanigans in Las Vegas.

Now, what was likely another impartial jury handed Simpson a conviction for a different crime.

In my reality though, Simpson was handed his long overdue guilty verdict for murder.

Simpson was convicted of kidnapping, armed robbery and a slew of other charges for organizing a sports memorabilia sting at a hotel-casino in Las Vegas last year. December sentencing could yield life in jail for Simpson.

Poetic justice served.

Debate Musings

With an ah-shucks-doggone-it-yah-you-betcha, Sarah Fargo held her own during last nights Vice Presidential debate.

I've gotta say though, it was a little awkward watching the debate along side Mrs. Fischer, since Fargo kept winking at me all night. She totally digs me.

Biden stuck to his strategy of going directly after John McCain and not tether the fine line of appearing the bully toward the Governor. When Fargo spoke, however, Biden managed to strike an eerie resemblance to a creepy old guy that sits alone at the corner of a bar and gazes with a smitten wide smile at the cute young lady across the room.

Fact checks have yielded copious fabrications and distortions from each side, so we'll render this debate as nothing more than a give-and-take of stump speech regurgitation.

My favorite moment of irony was when Fargo asserted that our brilliant founding fathers had the foresight to submit flexibility in the constitution in regard to executive powers of the Vice President.

Gulp.

The Republican mantra when it comes to the constitution has long been that it is an absolute document that isn't open to interpretation. This is why conservatives often lament activist judges, at least when the liberal media can't be blamed. Conservative judges are referred to as constitutional constructionists.

Both candidates were on their game, with Biden elevating himself with a bit more substance because he chose to actually answer the questions.

As for Fargo?

;)

I Guess Pictures Do Say A Thousand Words

Miss Alaska 1984 Finalist Preps For Debate

Sarah Palin has been sequestered in the Sedona home (1 of his 9, 10, or maybe 11 homes) of John McCain, cramming for a pretty big test she has tomorrow night.

Palin is a child pageant pretty that has executive experience in handling the pressures of intellectually extemporaneous banter. My prediction is she'll do fine.

At least by Lauren Caitlin Upton standards.

Ring a bell?

Upton is the Miss Teen USA contestant from South Carolina that barfed the following answer to a heady pageant brain buster question.

Question: "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?

Lauren Caitlin Upton: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere, like, such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children.”

Let's surmise how Palin might handle the same question.

Question: "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Sarah Palin: I personally believe that Americans are unable to do so because - OH - the key is job creation to shore up our economy because I believe that our education like such as when Putin rears his head it's, like, where does he go? He goes to Alaska and it's where here we send us to protect us so we should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries because I have executive experience so we can shore up the economy with job creation for the future of our children that don't have maps."

Meanwhile at Joe Biden's debate camp, Biden should be given one simple instruction.

Don't say a word all night. And for Biden, this is easier said than done. Except for, perhaps, paying homage to the late Texas Senator Lloyd Bentsen; "Governor, I know about Lauren Upton. Lauren Upton looks like the granddaughter of a friend of mine. Believe me, Governor, you're no Lauren Upton."

Get ready, liberal media. You'll be the one to blame if Palin fails to exceed the lowest expectations that any debate candidate has ever had.